Quantum Love

Can we understand the nature of love in accordance with time?

What if we operated outside of time in how we loved? What if someone could be aware of affection they have before or after the fact?

What if one could feel the passion of their hearts from the future or their past constantly?

This is something I've been mulling over today as I consider some advances in my personal life. There's all kinds of interesting people in the world, as I am aware now, and while I'll always have the affection of the Dragonfly, my affection for the Raven is currently limited to being a supportive friend, confidant, while just leaving the option for more later. The Raven's heart is drawn toward a brighter relationship, I feel, and this is for the best. And yet, still, my passion for her is as great as it ever could be, or would be.

This, of course, isn't that strange. People continue to love others long after relationships end (and, sometimes, straight into the beginning of another). The curious part is how I've met the Rose, and how I find myself seeing that there is a chance that affection might blossom there (to excuse the pun). This isn't to say that I've fallen in love with the Rose, as we've just started talking, there are just elements here and there, things that I can see leading to that as a possibility. This is what got me thinking about the echoes of love.

Could we, theoretically, feel the echoes of love as possibility through time? Could certain aspects of our mental existence, our emotional existence, have a progression outside of linear time? Could we know love from our futures, before we've fallen in love?

In some ways, I think this is possible. I feel everything as potential, myself, rather than actualities. I live in the moment, but I plan based on possibility. When I fall in love with someone, I fall in love with who they are, deep down inside, not the person they've insisted on showing me day in and day out. I strip away the outside carefully and slowly to know them within their hearts, their minds. Sometimes, during this process I find echoes of emotions, future imprints of hate or love, and they shape how I see someone subjectively. I still find objective truths about them to be sustaining, but I'll fall in love before falling in love, or grow distrustful of someone who I feel those echoes of hate from.

It worries me at times, these feelings I get, since I seem to fall in love very quickly with someone or that I seem to have found reason to dislike them not long after meeting them. I wish I could explain my penchant for understanding human behaviour, but it's simply a trait that I have grown into since I was young.

Hopefully as my life goes on and I get further into adulthood, I'll find answers to these questions. Or, at least, comfortable assertions about who to believe...my heart and my mind or my friends and my enemies.

To your grace and enlightenment,

The Magus

The Culture Club

The clarion call of the Victorian hero has chimed across my mind, and to answer it I have started formulating a light-hearted adventure game, a pen and paper game of anime-inspired action in the glorious setting of London in the time period of Abraham Van Helsing, Sherlock Holmes, the characters of Jules Verne, and the era of Frankenstein's Monster.

The game will center around a club, a gentleman's organization, in the upper east side of London, overlooking the bridge. Known as the East London Culture Club, a Gentleman's Club for Safari, Sport, and the Preservation of Civilization and Society (or, simply, the East London Culture Club), it is host to many of the country's luminaries, and many of the powerful figures of the times. The players will be playing new inductees into the club; savvy Londoners with a knack for solving crime, dignitaries from other countries lending their time and support to defending Western Civilization, or students of the great older members, such as Sherlock Holmes, Philleas Fogg, Henry Jekyll, or Dr. Frankenstein.

Structurally, it's going to be another TV-show style game (similar to how my Vampire game started, though not where it ended up) based on Monster Of The Week style engagements. We're going to use the Big Eyes, Small Mouth system (3rd Edition), and I hope to have more details about how I'm adapting the system later this week. I'm currently rereading the core book to extract the systems I'll require.

So, another project for me as I try to sort out my writing. For now, though, if anyone out there has any suggestions for story ideas, books I should read, or good suggestions for a Victorian-Gothic setting, comment here.

To your grace and enlightenment,

The Magus

Juggling Honesty and Modesty

I have a terrible problem, and have for a long time. I feel the need to be modest, to be forthright, and to deal honestly and rationally with the world around me. At the same time, however, I was gifted with an intellect that allows me to, at most times, see things many of my peers cannot. This is something that I know many geeks and nerds share, but it's of peculiar and particular interest to me due to my want to be modest.

There are many times in my life I've wished I were "normal." This isn't because I dread my capabilities, it's due to the ostracizing, the avoidance, of my peers. It's also due to the fact that the particular way I analyze information makes me sound, and sometimes seem, arrogant even though this is the only way I know how to be. I feel that too often in our culture, we mistake persistence or analytical understanding as arrogance. Is it arrogant to postulate that a man with long legs runs faster than a man with short legs? I don't think so, personally, but it leads me to these situations; where I know I analyze information faster, more effectively, or even just more accurately, is it not the right thing to do to acknowledge that fact? And is it not the modest thing to do to try to incorporate one's own expertise with one's peers?

So, in the end, I struggle with the competing interests of being honest about my abilities and being modest around my peers. To magnify the problem, I can't act normal. It's almost impossible for me to 'fake it', as it were, not only because of my preference for honesty but I'm just terrible and pretending I know the rules to being social. I've learned them the hard way...by failing several times. This has cost me numerous relationships, both platonic and romantic, as I've tried to understand things and end up damaging the communicative bond between me and the other person. Gradually, though, I've gotten better, in no small part thanks to the Dragonfly and the Raven (and, to a lesser extent, the Jester and the Gentleman).

For now, I struggle to figure out how to properly interact with people while looking for someone to spend time with in my area. Romance, especially for the polyamorous in Orange County, is a difficult nut to crack.

Good luck in your own searches for lasting love,

To your grace and enlightenment,

The Magus.

A Harvest Tale

Recently, the Dragonfly got me hooked on playing one of my old favorites again, and I discovered an issue with the game that I hadn't though of before. An issue that perplexes me and drives me to question the situation and subculture with which I align myself.

I believe that the institution created by the Harvest Moon games creates a reward structure that is untenable in thought and in practice. It encourages an idea that isn't realistic at all, in any way, and it supports a belief in something that is obviously factually inaccurate.

The problems I have stem primarily from the relationship sub-game; the best ways to raise a relationship level with someone that you are interested in is shoving gifts down their throat. This is true of every Harvest Moon game since the first. On top of that, one cannot simply talk to the individual nor their parents or acquaintances to discover which gifts are most effective.

Now, many of you may be thinking that this sounds just like relationships in real life (shove gifts down their throat, try to figure out what they like primarily through hope and intuition), but there's one other component that is what bothers me...they will always, without fail, accept the gifts and talk to you, even if they don't know you at all.

This bothers me, as a gamer and as a nerd, due to the fact that it supports an idea that those of us who lack social skills can still try to participate in the mating ritual. Unfortunately, life has taught those of my kind through rigorous training that, by our early 20's, we're unwanted by the world at large. This creates dangerous predicaments within the psyche of the afflicted. On one hand, there is the nerd who is attractive or interesting that is convinced that no one could ever love them or have affection for them at all. On the other hand are those that can play the depressed and loveless nerd as a ploy to trap depressed and loveless nerds of either gender. Both of these are unhealthy situations for the species, let alone those who interact within the structures themselves (and this isn't even getting into other self-esteem issues, such as attractive members of the culture who believe they are unattractive, or disparity in body-type standards [personally, I prefer women who are shapely, hourglass figures, and breasts that are no more than a heaping handful...too large gets ungainly, from experience. Men, waif-like, thin, and submissive.] -- these concerns are for a later rant, rather than just an examination of a systemic situation).

In short, I cannot go out to a General Social Meeting Environment (such as a bar, sports gathering, etc) and meet people. I come from a subculture that is discouraged from general interaction, even though the look of geeks and nerds is "in" right now. Part of the 'magic', it seems, is to be discovered by an attractive, intelligent, and understanding member of the In Crowd. When gathering with others of my subculture, one quickly becomes aware of the size of the culture. When I'm examining potential mates, there still is the general list of ideals that we have to be close on, if not matching; polyamory, sexuality, kink and BDSM, escapism, movies and/or music, books and fantasy (not the sub-genre, this includes Science Fiction), sexual drive, opinions on marriage and children, and a willingness to communicate as fully as possible right from the beginning. It turns out that these people, the men and women I'd be attracted to in these situations, are usually already taken or are not interested in myself (mostly due to my lack of fiscal or authoritative accomplishment). Clearly I cannot just give everyone turnips and wild grass until they love me.

How do we really do it? Well, I fumble around on forums or websites like the amazing OKCupid [OKC] and try to find people who are similar to me, interested in someone like me, and send them a message. This doesn't always work, much to my chagrin, as generally I don't get messaged back.

Perhaps in the future I can expand from where I am now, but I do have the Dragonfly, and occasionally the Raven alights on my life and lets me enjoy her beauty for a while. While I sometimes wish there were another warm body to help warm the Workshop with, I find more frustration in that there is no rational way to look for a partner or lover more than the actual lack of such in my immediate vicinity.

In time, though, I'm sure love will find us all. It is quite the dastardly hunter.

To your grace and enlightenment,

The Magus

The Power to Corrupt

An intro to my sexual psyche, for those of you who are curious.

I am into the BDSM culture, as it were, specifically power games. I'm by nature a Dom, though I'm a passive Dom. I'm more interested in an obedient sub, rather than one that has to be trained or "broken in". As such, I've always been curious about the best ways to not only explore this kink of mine, but also give those subs who may be in my life the chance to control when they submit and for how long.

Safety words are always a good idea within the throws of passion, but I think icons are both more effective and more subtle before and after the Scene itself. My favorite right now is the collar; it is a sign of ownership, a sign of servitude, but it is also a sign of assumption much in the same way a crown or helmet is. When the collar isn't locked to the sub, there can be the assumption that the Scene may be started when the sub decides to put the collar on, and is stopped or wound down when the sub takes the collar off. This gives them the control over their own sexual life as well as giving the Dom/me a silent nod to, well, do their thing.

In this way, I see placing a collar on in front of someone, especially myself, to be a sacred act. Along the lines of saying that one loves someone, or that one wants to keep someone. The idea is that the rarity and the power of the statement, or in this case the act, magnifies its importance. So in the future, those of you who find yourself putting collars on for me, do know that I have great adoration and respect for the gesture.

Until the next idea strikes me,

To your grace and enlightenment,

The Magus

I Think I'm in Love with a Lotus

Posting this from work, just got back from lunch, and I had some of the most delicious phở I've ever had.

For those of you who have not had the chance to sample this Vietnamese dish, it is a delicious combination of rice noodles, meat and/or vegetables and herbs in a savory beef broth. It's usually accompanied by a plate of bean sprouts, Thai basil, and peppers as well as a selection of optional sauces (generally a spicy pepper sauce, "Rooster" hot sauce, hoisin, garlic powder, salt, and pepper). I generally two-fist my eating of said dish; spoon in my left hand, chopsticks in my right hand, slowly working the soup down with constant, measured consumption.

Anyway, the phở I had today was absolutely amazing; the flavor was perfect, ideal, it was well priced, and had a wide selection of meats (and more meat than I'm used to) in the bowl. The only thing really lacking was meatballs, which I enjoy the flavor and texture of, to really set the soup off.

For those of you who are curious, the name of the restaurant is Blue Lotus, and is located at Main and 228th in Carson. Very, very good.

Well, that's all for now.

To your grace and enlightenment,

The Magus

To Phone or Not To Phone

I just read an interesting article about the math behind the Nexus One subsidized or unsubsidized, which breaks down the cost of an unsubbed phone to $49 after the adjusted cost over 2 years.

This is an interesting quandary to me as, a few of my closest colleagues will know, my phone has been damaged beyond operation and I need to get a new cellular device in the near future (say, three months) to properly continue operation within the modern digital lifestyle. I have been considering purchasing a Nexus One after I had settled into new living quarters, as those places where I had planned to spend money before became much more tenuous.

What is curious to me, though, is the option of full-data plans and the inclusion of VOIP software for the basic functions of a telephone. Would I prefer using Skype for my day to day transactions, or switching entirely to a Vonage plan of some kind? I do believe I would. I'm hoping that either a future update or a program set would allow me to do this. Data freedom, data availability, is only a good thing in my mind.

What are your thoughts on phones, data, and the changing landscape of the mobile market?

Thank you for your time,

To your grace and enlightenment,

The Magus

A Fresh Start

Well, it's nice to sit down at a writing system again, and one that has no adjunct purpose at that.

I've gotten my hands into blogging before, but always with some kind of goal in mind (I'm going to write my manuscript here! I'm going to run a play by post game here!), so far this hasn't worked out. Recent experiences in my life lead me to believe that I really just need to get a lot of my thoughts out in an impersonal form, some kind of general update and thought system.

To that end, I'll be tagging posts and writing stuff based on things I'm interested in (primarily), as well as examinations of my life as it goes. This isn't for you guys, whoever you are out there, reading my blog, but more for me. Thoughts and analysis from my colleagues (i.e., the readers), are always welcome in my Workshop, but experimentation is its own reward.

To that end, a word of warning to those of you who are curious about the Magus; my thoughts frequent the profane, the occult, the kinky, the esoteric, the digital, the archaic, the postmodern, the retro-futuristic, the melancholy, the estranged. I shy away from no subject, but I try to approach everything with dignity and curiosity. However, if one poses a question to me, no matter the disturbing or disgusting premise, it is my inclination to conceive and evaluate it. All data is virtuous, it is only as information that it becomes stained by purpose or inflection. As such, I do not have an emotional opinion about most things in my life, and I will point out where those opinions lie.

To those of you who know me, welcome. I do promise that if any friend or foe shows up in my posts, it will be as a title (as I am known by a title, the Magus). Those who are important to me, currently, are the Jester, the Dragonfly, the Anarchist, the Psychopath, the Miser, the Squire, and the Raven. Many of you will know who is who, some of you will not. If any of you are curious, ask me through one of my other channels. To my readers, those names will be most often appearing my writings here, I believe, as they do have a significant affect on my life and my general aptitude at living.

Goodbye, for now. Research calls me in other directions,

To your grace and enlightenment,

The Magus